Another Sign of the End Times: Butterball Turkeys Won't Fatten Up

Photo: Techvt, Flickr

An inexplicable ailment has affected many of the unfortunate creatures known as Butterball turkeys.

According to WNBC, Butterball says that it will have a limited supply of large (16 pounds or heavier) turkeys for the holidays this year.

The company says the critters just won't plump up in time for Thanksgiving, and it has no idea why. Now they're stuck with a bunch of skinny turkeys.

We say it's trouble and we say we learned all we need to know about it in Hitchcock's "The Birds":

LYDIA ON PHONE
... Well, it's just no good. The chickens
won't eat it.
(pause)
They're always hungry, Fred. I opened
one of the sacks when I got home,
and I poured it out for them, and
they wouldn't touch it. Now you know
chickens as well as I do, and when
they won't eat, there's just something
wrong with what they're being fed,
that's all.
(pause)
No, they're not fussy chickens.
(pause)
Who? What's he got to do with it?
(pause)
Fred, I don't care how much feed you
sold him. My chickens...
(pause)
He did? Dan Fawcett?
(pause)
This afternoon?
(pause)
Well, that only proves what I'm
saying. The feed you sold us is...
(pause)
Oh. Oh, I see. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-
huh. Maybe I ought to go over to see
him. You don't think there's something
going around, do you?
(pause)
No, never.
(pause)
No, Fred, they don't seem sick at
all. They just won't eat.
(pause)
Mmmm. Mmmmm. Well, I'll try to get
over to Dan's farm. Maybe he'll...
mmmmm... mmmmm... all right, Fred,
thanks.
(she hangs up, puzzled)

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